Love. Hope. Dream.

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone.

It's June already. And we currently in the middle of Syaaban. Ramadhan is just around the corner! Alhamdulillah. May Allah give HIS will to us stay until the end of Ramadhan.

It's has been a while since I'm not write any post here. Well, so many things to settle first.

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Back then in May, i was a lil bit excited but at the same time feel sorry for few things. I dont know. Well i guess its human nature to have those feeling where u can easily felt happy but then things might make your tears dropped without you want it.

As time goes by, i felt empty. 
Lonely..
Have some lacking parts within my heart.
Why?
IDK (i dont know)

I guess i quite far from the Lord.
Ya Allah make me close to you.
Calm me and make me felt im not lonely.
You are sufficient enough for me.

The truth is,
among all my best friends,
im the one and only left behind.
They are all married.
And us.. Yes we still best friends.
but it wont be the same like our old days.

i feel i lost them.
well how can i say.
the things is, things are different from before.
differ from what we used to be.

they got hubby, even they already have their own babies.
while me? Ummm im still grateful. 
Allah had planned a very nice and great journey for me.
Alhamdulillah!

Parts of me saying that
i dont need a man to make me happy.
to make me living.
and all what i need is to love me, myself.
rather than giving loves, hopes and dreams to the opposite gender.
i admit, it sounds like broken-heart or what so ever.

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But then, im completely feel free and comfortable with current situation.
its easy.
free.
and i dont need to think about any other matter unless about my mom and me.
the rest? Not yet.

Some said to see the shining and tender of a rainbow, there will be rain- heavy rain, storm, and even thunder.
only after those things, we could see the adorable rainbow. Of course it must be with Allah's will.

hummm..
what else?
some part of me also saying that, what i need the most is to complete my vision, mission and my targets.
what i love to be...
what i want to be..
and what i need to accomplish.

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to be a writer.. That's what im eager for..
to be a doctor of philosophy, that's what i want.
to be a teacher/lecturer it's my ambition since i was 6th.
to have my own business, boutique for female couture it also one of my dream since i was 10th.
to open up a book cafe, where the concept is to relax, comfy, and cozy is also one of my dreams as well.

i have lots and many things that i wanted so much.
but im quite frustrated with me my self.
why marriage wasnt the first priority that i should go for? 
i keep thinking.
and it couldnt make me stop from worrying about me.

does love is too hurt?
does love is so suffered?
i've experience it once.
and i dont want to feel that again.
to me its pointless.
meaningless.

but i have to admit, at least i learned the lesson.
to marrying someone, at least you need courage and brave enough as to live with the strangers for the rest of your life.
i dont want to risk my life by simply marrying anybody.
you can call me risk adverse type of person or anything.
i'm a risk taker perhaps in any other matters, but not marriage.

i found, im quite skeptical and reserve person. 
not easy to trust anybody and surely not easy due to giving my love to anybody.

*sigh*
Well i bet only the right person can broke the icey and cold heart of mine.
to me, love is not a things.
but love is ones life.
once its broken, 
the heart will die.

p/s: still hoping that i will meet my jodoh as soon as possible.